


Moving Forward

by Galtori



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fertility Issues, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 17:07:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galtori/pseuds/Galtori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shenko angst taking place during the shore leave after ME1. Kaidan and Shepard have been lucky up until now, but they must take stock of their decisions, Ilos in particular. Rated M for the sensitive topics that will be discussed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Second Month

**Author's Note:**

> I typically write happier stuff, but this is very much an angsty thing. So, this was inspired when I was doing genetics homework, and I had a little moment of horror (I always do when they talk about this particular subject). In that moment, I had the picture of a feuding Kaidan and Shepard finally having to take stock of their decisions, Ilos in particular. So here it is.

The first month was bliss. _Absolute bliss._ There were plenty of mornings where she woke up, running to the bathroom, trying not to vomit on the bedroom carpets, but Kaidan was always so good to her, a damp washcloth ready for when she finished. He blamed the Prothean dreams and the stress from their last mission finally catching up with her, and she saw the logic in it. Between Virmire, the images of Prothean extinction, and the Battle of the Citadel, it was enough to give any soldier nightmares. But as they started the second month, she felt it: something was wrong. Whether it was about the place they were in, the food, the carpet, or something else, she didn’t know; but it was there. It was unmistakable. He had to feel it, so she finally spoke up about it over dinner.

“Dinner tastes different,” she stated. He frowned at her.

“I don’t see anything different. I used the same ingredients as last time, and you loved it.” He took a small forkful of her salad and tasted it himself before shaking his head. “Nothing’s gone bad, and it tastes the same as my dish.” She nodded. If she insisted, he would want to take care of her, and she was beginning to resent it. She was _Commander Shepard_ after all. She could take care of herself.

Later, they were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly frowned at her, moving his hand to her forehead.

“You feel warm. Are you alright, Helen?” His voice was concerned, but it grated on her ears. She wiggled out of his arms.

“I’m _fine_ , Kaidan,” she snapped, but a small drop of sweat made its way down her back.

“Shepard, why are you resisting me?” He moved forward, and she scooted further down the couch.

“I’m not. You’re being pushy,” she insisted.

“I’m not. You won’t let me take care of you.”

“Who says I need to be taken care of? I can take care of myself. I did in the past, and I can now!” She was standing by the end, her arms crossed defiantly.

“But you don’t need to! That’s what loved ones are for! They take care of each other!” He was standing too, his anger close to the surface. He wasn’t shouting, but he was desperately trying to make a point.

“Well, I wouldn’t know about that, would I?” She didn’t speak about her past often, but if she needed to throw it in his face, she would.

“Which is why I’m doing this! I’m not like them. I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m here for you, Helen. It isn’t weakness to accept allies, and it isn’t weakness to accept help when you need it.” His voice softened as he took light steps forward, ending with his hand on her face. “You’re feverish. Please let me take care of you. Let me love you.” She hesitated for a few moments, looking into his soft brown eyes.

Before she could answer, her stomach gave its protests, and she ran from the room, covering her mouth. He quietly chased her to the bathroom, where he found her heaving the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She heard the sound of the tap running, and her suspicions were confirmed when she felt the blissfully cool towel wipe the sweat from her back. Once she leaned back against the cool wall, she could hear Kaidan give her a quick look with his omni-tool.

“You probably just have a stomach bug. Best thing for you is rest, so come on.” He gently picked her up, carrying her to bed. For once, she didn’t protest. She was exhausted and struggled to keep her eyes open as he tucked her into the cool sheets. As he wrapped an arm around her, she finally gave in to sleep.

 ~~~~~

He could hear soft noises, almost like whimpers as he sluggishly woke. He gave a sleepy ‘shh’ as he rubbed his eyes. It wasn’t until she gave a groan that he realized what woke him. Now that his eyes were adjusting to the darkness, he could see her face was etched with pain. Her head was tossing back and forth, restless. But her shoulders were still, stiff. _She’s probably having another dream from the Beacon,_ he thought as he reached over, gently shaking her. She woke with a scream, instantly curling to one side.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, all concern. She was never like this. But she merely gave another groan in response, rolling over and vomiting over the edge of the bed. He went to put a hand on her hip, to offer words of comfort, when he felt something slick and slightly sticky on her hips. _Something is wrong,_ he realized. He quickly reached to the side table and turned on the light.

Crisp white sheets were stained crimson with her blood. _No._ It was worse than a nightmare, worse than seeing an assassin line up a shot on her. He had slept peacefully while she bled. He ripped the sheets off them to find the bed equally soaked with her blood. _Think Alenko,_ the military voice shouted in his head. _She needs your help. Get your omni-tool and look for the source of the bleed. You can’t let her bleed out._ He grabbed his omni-tool, frantic for a solution. But when it passed over her abdomen, it suddenly entered an unfamiliar suite. It was only something he had on there in case civilians were caught in the crosshairs of a dispute. An analyzer popped up and immediately gave a warning beep. ‘Spontaneous abortion’ was what it read. _But she wasn’t pregnant._ He turned that suite off, and used a small sample of the blood covering the sheets. The analyzer gave another beep, and the only thing that was wrong was one test: ‘Patient is pregnant. Fetus is currently in second month.’ Kaidan’s world ground to a halt. She had been pregnant. Given the timeline, it had to be conceived the night before Ilos. Shepard’s shaking and vomiting had finally calmed down, and she finally processed the fact that she was bleeding. Kaidan turned the civilian suite back on, and focused on Shepard again.

“I need to make sure you still aren’t bleeding,” he stated calmly as he waved the omni-tool over her once again.

“Why am I bleeding?” Her voice shook with fear, and his heart broke when he looked in her eyes. “What’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

“Dear, I’m so sorry.” Kaidan pulled her into his arms. “You were pregnant. You just lost the baby.” She stiffened in his arms. He wasn’t sure what he should be more concerned about: her shaking or her stillness.

“What?” She whispered.

“You were pregnant. The baby wasn’t healthy. I’m so sorry, dear. You miscarried.” He whispered the last part reluctantly. He knew she would blame herself as she began to shake again. It took a minute before the sobs came, but they came. She beat at his chest, sobbing, and he held her tightly to him, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head. It took a minute or two later to realize that silent tears of his own were dripping down his face, the beginning of his mourning for the baby they lost. But he kept quiet; this was her time to grieve and his time to comfort her. Her sobs finally subsided to hiccups until she passed into slumber again. For good measure, he gave her a light sedative. He took the bloody clothes off her, washed her body clean of blood, and dressed her in fresh clothes before he carried her to the couch. He then called the only person he could think of.

“Yes Kaidan?” A female voice asked over the omni-tool.

“I’m sending you my coordinates. I need you to come here as soon as you can. I know we’re all on the same planet. Something has happened with Shepard. Physically, she’s alright. But I need you to come now.” He was desperate, and he knew it. But he was out of his element. He needed her to help him.

“I’m coming over now.” He nodded and closed the omni-tool. There was nothing left to do until she got here, so he sank into a chair near Helen. The more he sat, though, the more he began to fall apart. And he hated himself. He got up and tried to walk out his agitations, but it did little to help. He then moved to the back balcony, but the stars offered little comfort. So he finally walked into the kitchen and embraced his brooding thoughts. More than once, he felt the ironic comparison to his father.

His father had never been the kind to hug or play with his son. Conner Alenko would only watch his son from the master bedroom's balcony. Conner gave no real reaction to his son's biotics, spare a stern stare. It was a look of disappointment that Kaidan saw time and time again growing up. Every time he brought a sup-perfect test home from school, his father's gaze was disappointed. Every time Kaidan brought home an A, his father passed it over with a casual glance. Upon hearing that his son was one of the top-ranked sentinels, hand-picked as part of an elite ground team, heading out to a top-secret prototype ship, Conner gave his son a simple nod. Kaidan's mother had always been the talker in the family. She had hugged and kissed her son goodbye, waving as the transport left. When Kaidan came home from BAaT to his father's disapproving stare, he promised himself to be a better father, to love his children and wife with all his heart. 

He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, reaching in for a lager. He had become his father, unloving and distant. He had given no thought to the life he had created, and he was ashamed. His child was dead because he lost perspective. Rahna left because of his lack of control, and now the life he should have treasured most was gone too.

A part of his mind dimly recognized that he was in shock, that he should be helping himself. But the other part of his mind spat in disgust. He was a human being with a soul. He was allowed to mourn. His hands were halfway through opening the bottle when the first part argued that Chakwas needed someone sober to explain what had happened. After staring at the bottle for another minute, he finally set the bottle down, contenting himself to watch sweat slowly build up and slide down the bottle. Thankfully, Chakwas knocked on the door before the lager was too warm.

“Hey, Doc,” he quietly greeted. “I wasn’t sure who else to call. This kind of medicine isn’t my specialty.”

“Where is she? What happened Kaidan?” Karin was all concern, walking in with a small duffel bag. He led her to where he left Shepard.

“I gave her a light sedative.” He paused before making several attempts at talking, all resulting in failure. For some reason, the clinical part of his mind could not state the simple event.

“Just start at the beginning Kaidan.” He chuckled in response. Where was the beginning? The first time he saw her on the _Normandy_? The night before Ilos? Earlier tonight? He finally sighed and sent her the data from his omni-tool. Karin’s eyes appraised it, slowing as she read further. The look of pity in her eyes was almost too much for Kaidan to bear.

“As always Kaidan, you’ve done so well under stress.” He nodded dumbly in response. “I’m so sorry. Did either of you know?”

“No. That’s the most damning part. We had no clue. We didn’t even bother to think about it.” He was disgusted with himself, and he didn’t bother to hide it. But Dr. Chakwas quietly smiled at him.

“Mourning a life like this is always difficult, but the fact that you are mourning shows that you are not the heartless beast you believe yourself to be. If you were heartless, you wouldn’t be mourning.” Her words made sense, but it did little to soothe what he felt. “Even if you had known, it wouldn’t have changed anything. Genetically, the baby never would have been able to survive. It was missing an essential chromosome. There was nothing anyone could have done.” He nodded, but his heart wasn’t in it. “What would you have done if the baby was alright and wasn’t threatened like this?”

“We would have just continued like we normally do.”

“What would you have done when you figured out that she was pregnant?” Chakwas continued to ask, pressing him for an answer.

“I would have taken care of her, kept her out of active duty. I would have done everything I could for her and the baby!” He choked on his words, images of Helen holding a dark-haired daughter.

“Well, I know that Shepard may have been stubborn, but she never would have endangered that child’s life. You both would have taken care of it.”

“It doesn’t make me feel any better.” He knew he was being surly, but he didn’t really care. Chakwas walked over to the kitchen, grabbed the lager, and put it back in the fridge. He scowled in response.

“You know better. And it will hurt for a while. It’s part of mourning. As time goes by, you will move forward with your lives.” She put a hand on his shoulder. He knew she wouldn’t leave him alone, so he simply nodded. “Now, I know you won’t want to hear this, but you need to sleep.”

“Doc, I’m fine.” He started to wave her off, but she gave him that stern look. He knew it very well. It said ‘Oh no you don’t. I will not be overridden by any soldier under my care, regardless of their title.’ After staring for a moment and hoping it would go away, it didn’t. So he huffed a sigh and looked around the living room for a place to rest.

“There’s a chair here. I’m guessing you won’t want to sleep in the bed.” He shuddered involuntarily. He wouldn’t be able to look at that bed again. Well, he’d throw it away. _I should do that before she wakes. And I should clean the sheets. May not be able to, though._

“I should toss the mattress first.” He turned to do so when a hand stopped him.

“Kaidan, you need to sleep. Sleep in the chair. I’ll toss the sheets for you, but the mattress should wait for tomorrow.” Chakwas all but forced him into the chair, and it wasn’t until he was sitting that he realized how tired he was. It took a concentrated effort to stand back up. At a stern look from Chakwas, he held up a hand before he lifted the chair over the coffee table, closer to Shepard. He then walked over to chair and settled in. He knew his nap wouldn’t last long and that it would be far from restful, but his eyes were demanding to be closed, if only for a minute.


	2. The Next Morning

Shepard woke up, slightly confused to be sleeping on the couch. Glancing around, she saw Kaidan sitting in a chair, cup of coffee next to him, one hand propping his chin up, obviously keeping an eye on her. She tried to sit up, but a deep ache in her abdomen set her back down, hissing at the unexpected pain.

“You don’t want to be doing that, Shepard. Your body will still be sore for today. That kind of trauma is always harsh on the body.” An accented voice cautioned her. She identified the voice as she opened her eyes: Dr. Chakwas. Shepard looked away in shame.

“You may not believe it, but this is not your fault.”

“I think it is, Doc.” She used Kaidan’s preferred nickname. “It takes two to tango.” She swallowed painfully. Her career was officially over. She would be reported to Arcturus, and the two of them would be court-marshaled. And it was all her fault.

Now that she thought about it, her symptoms all made sense. The first week after the Battle of the Citadel (that was what they were calling it), she and her crew had done nothing but help C-SEC rebuild. Being a biotic, her and Kaidan had gone to some of the worst hit areas, lifting debris to check for any trapped civilians. Mostly, they found bodies. By the end of the week, the stench was becoming unbearable. She had to pause several times after uncovering a body to regain her composure. But one specifically had unnerved her beyond belief.

She and Kaidan had been moving a particularly large piece of rubble when they saw part of a dragon’s tooth. But moving another piece of debris had revealed the unlucky soul. He had been caught halfway through the process of becoming a Husk. His body was grayed, and his eyes were open, black spots showing in his irises. Sandy hair had fallen out in patches and tubes snaked down his limbs. The fact that _that was still_ _a person_ hit her in the gut, and she promptly lost her lunch. After a few quick heaves, she straightened and looked straight at Kaidan. He put one hand on her shoulder, attempting to comfort her, but his eyes were still glued on the human-Husk mix.

‘Go get the guys. Tell them there’s another body. Let them know it’s not a pretty sight.’ He told her, and she gratefully ran.

Every night that week, she had poured herself into bed, exhausted and aching. She had thought it was heavy lifting, but maybe that had only been part of it. She had lost her normal appetite and had begun experimenting with food combinations, much to Kaidan’s chagrin. She had been tossing whatever was still in her stomach when she woke up in the mornings. It all made logical sense.

 _And I caused it all. I made it happen because I couldn’t exercise caution. I killed my child because I was too busy slacking._ She made up her mind in that moment, and lay back on the couch. She would not make the lazy decision again. With the galaxy in the balance, she couldn’t afford mistakes.

“Helen, you don’t need to worry. I won’t betray your trust. This is between us,” Shepard visibly relaxed as Karin spoke. “You’ll be sore for the rest of today, but tomorrow your body should be over the shock. If you need to speak with me, just let me know.” Shepard nodded as Chakwas grabbed a coat, heading out.

 ~~~~~

When Kaidan woke, he was surprised to see an empty bed. He’d bought a new mattress yesterday, tossing the old one. He shook the mental cobwebs away as he stood and walked to the back door. Shepard was watching the sun rise, fully clothed and standing. Chakwas was right: she had physically recovered from the trauma. Helen turned as he approached and gave a strange smile. The sunrise was only just starting to show.

“We need to talk.” He was concerned as soon as he hears the words. Those words were never good.

“What’s up?” He forced himself to talk, not trusting the silence.

“We need to stop seeing each other.” He paused for a moment, unsure if he heard her right.

“Why? What makes you say this?” He asked, the pain from her words a fresh wound.

“Because it isn’t right. Everything we are says that this is wrong. Everything we stand for says this is wrong. And I can’t continue to do this.” Her body language told him that every word hurt. “I’m not saying that I regret us.” She finally turned and looked him in the eye. He wanted to shake her, but he can’t find it in him to break his composure. “I don’t regret a moment with you.” Her voice was thick with emotion and he took a step towards her, but she stepped back, keeping her distance. “But we can’t do this anymore. It’s more than regs. What if that child had survived? If there had been nothing wrong with it? We wouldn’t have turned our backs on it. But the galaxy needs us now. When all this is over,” she stared off into the distance. “Maybe. But for now, I can’t let anything get in the way of this mission. Know that I still care, but know that I can’t stay with you like this. We did fine with more innocent flirts before. We’ll just do that until the war is over. Then we can come back to this.” She sighed and pulled a tight smile.

“You’ve already packed; haven’t you?” She was set in her ways. And he knew she was right. Now wasn’t the best time for them.  _Your words before Ilos couldn’t have been more true, Kaidan._

“Yeah. The place is yours. I know you paid for it. I have some salary saved up too. I can get a place by tonight. Don’t worry. I tie my shoe laces and everything.” She set down her cup and walked inside with him following.

“Do I need to request a transfer?” He heard himself speaking, but he didn’t remember thinking about that. She gave a soft laugh.

“No. I won’t deny you or me so thoroughly. We are some of the best, and we fight well together. It would be silly to send you away, unless you don’t think you can be around me.” She whispered the last part, and he knew it had to be hurting her.

“It would be an honor to continue to serve under you, ma’am.” They both knew the whole of that sentence: the love, the respect, the integrity of his words. They would be civil around each other. She nodded, seemingly reaching some destination in her mind before picking up her duffle bag.

“Then I’ll see you soon, LT.” She gave that strange smile again before she walked out the door. He sat on the couch and watched the sun come through the windows. The blanket sitting next to him still smelled like her. There were memories of her in every corner, every chair, every meal. And now he would have to act like there was nothing between them. He knew that he would have to live a lie until the Reapers gave him the woman he loved again. But he almost wondered if she died with their child: something unexpected and fragile that he hadn’t fought hard enough for.

He looked at her unfinished cup of coffee and drank, taking in the bitter, cold taste.


	3. A Kicked Bird

She spent the day checking on the crew of the _Normandy_ , making sure that everyone else was taken care of. She had helped personnel run errands or contact loved ones. She had helped acquire important items for the _Normandy_ and several other lesser items. She spent the day fixing everyone else’s problems.

It wasn’t until the sun was beginning to set that she realized she still didn’t have a place to stay. So she sat down on a bench and began to thumb through her contacts. _Liara? No, things are still too awkward for that. Wrex? No. Joker is an automatic no. I’d rather bunk with Wrex. I still can’t look Dr. Chakwas in the eyes, so that’s a no. Pressley would ask questions, so no. Adams? Still feels a little odd. Tali? She’s like a sister and I can get my own food. Where is she?_ She pulled up the map, remembering that Tali had stayed where several other young Quarians were living during their Pilgrimage. Unfortunately, it was too far to take a hovercar. _Well, that’s a no. What about Garrus? Surely, he’s near._ Sure enough, Garrus was inside walking distance. _Good. I’ll just-_ A clap of thunder stopped Shepard mid-thought. _Crap. You did have to start raining on me didn’t you?_ She asked the clouds. _Yeah, well, I already hate this planet anyways. Can’t do much to make me like you._ Shepard gathered her bag and headed out towards Garrus’ place.

She didn’t even take two steps before the clouds opened up. _Well, at least it isn’t acid rain. Though I would like to keep my clothes dry. What if I use these stoops to try to keep my bag dry?_ The thought was quickly dashed as the wind picked up, bringing sheets of rain on both her and her bag regardless of shelter. So Shepard shouldered her bag and took off at a light jog for Garrus’ residence. Ten minutes later, Shepard chimed the doorbell. Garrus quickly answered, and his jaw and mandibles opened in what she knew was shock.

“Hey. Sorry I didn’t message you earlier, but I need a place to crash for a few days. Mind if I crash here?” She gave what she hoped would be a winning smile.

“Alright, get in. Vakarian once again saves your ass.” He stepped out of the way and she gratefully entered. But once the door closed, she felt herself begin to shake, the water chilling her.

“I’m gonna dry off first,” she said as she knelt down, untying her boots.

“Across the living room, that door there,” he pointed. “Spare towels are in the cabinet.” She quickly raced across the living room, carrying her bag with her. Once in the bathroom, she glanced back, hoping she hadn’t dragged too much water with her. _Not too bad,_ she remarked to herself. She let herself out a few minutes later, carrying the clothes she packed with her.

“Got somewhere I can hang all this? Everything got soaked in the downpour.” Garrus gave a shrug in response, not bothering to turn from the couch. “Useless as usual, Vakarian.” Now he turned sharply.

“And _whose_ house are you in?” She gave a grin in response before bowing low. “That’s more like it.” After she finished hanging everything off of various items in the house, she headed towards the strange couch. Now that she looked around the place, it was all in a Turian style.

“I thought it would be nice to have a bed and furniture that fit me,” Garrus commented as she settled into what felt like a bean bag. She nodded in response, noticing the differences in style between human and turian. “So, care to mention how the Great Commander Shepard wound up bumming a couch to sleep on from a friend?” She winced, not wanting to tell the story at all.

“So, how did both Turians and Humans end up thinking of bean bags? Although I suppose it’s normal for you, Turians are all hard plating.” She picked at a spare thread.

“We didn’t. We simply borrowed them from Human culture. And you’re dodging the question.” She shrugged, trying to hide her pain.

“I don’t really wanna talk, Garrus,” she softly defended. She knew he gave her a long look, but she wouldn’t look him in the eye.

“When you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen,” he answered. “Now, I believe there are a few snacks here for levo-amino visitors. Do you want to see what they are?” She nodded and stood, grateful for the subject change. They spent the rest of the night in amiable activities, leaving the previous subject alone. Garrus spoke at length about Turian clans and what the different face markings meant while Shepard attempted to explain the relevance of hair and hair color. It wasn’t until they were both yawning that they realized how late it was.

“Well, I’ll let you sleep. Where am I sleeping?” Shepard asked.

“The couch should be large enough for you. Let me grab some blankets.” Garrus appeared a minute later with two blankets.

“I got it from here. Thanks.”

“Welcome. Good night.” Garrus turned and left, retreating into his bedroom. Shepard spread her blankets on the sofa and lay down. But, despite several attempts to fall asleep, she could not keep a creeping cold out of her cocoon. Though the cold had little to do with the temperature and more to do with old memories of winter in Chicago. She had spent those winters in an orphanage. While she had a roof over her head, the building was old and full of holes. The blankets were paper thin and did little to shield her from the wind that would whistle through the room.

Shepard wrapped the blanked tighter around herself. She had only lived in that orphanage on Earth for two years. But she never would have gone to another. The owner was cruel, often sending them to work in underage sweat shops. Or she would force the older children to ‘entertain’ anyone who came to the orphanage but wasn’t looking to adopt. When Shepard hit that point, she left, determined to make her own way. She could still hear the hag’s shouts in her ear.

 _‘You little bastard! How dare you ask for more?! You’ll take what I give you and be damn grateful for it! Your whore of an addict mother left you alone. Out of the kindness of my heart, I gave you a roof, clothes, food! You are_ nothing _without me, and even with me you aren’t worth noting. Now get to work before I toss you out on your ass!’_

When she ran, she promised herself that she would never do that to another soul. She would defend herself, but she would never prey on the weak. And she had done just that. Hollow regret and self-loathing were her only companions as she wept, and her dreams were filled with red-tinted darkness and an echoing baby’s cry.


	4. Determination

He spent the two days after Helen left in a haze. Everything seemed duller without her. His headaches had also gotten worse. Nothing made sense, and any ideas he had slipped away within minutes. But something happened the third day.

Kaidan had finally gotten around to cleaning up. He was normally a tidy person, but events had left him in a sloppy mood. He looked around, taking in what needed to be fixed. Looking around, he mostly found clothes. He softly sighed. He’d have to do that eventually, so he might as well do it now. He went around the living room and kitchen, picking up clothes and folding them. He also found one sock that wasn’t his. _Shepard’s._

Now that he’d rounded up all the clothes, he took a deep breath. He hadn’t been able to sleep in the bedroom since Helen left. But he needed to put everything up. Not to mention, he needed to clean that room. So he braced himself and walked in.

It looked no different than it had when he first saw it. He could still remember the ghost of her touch, pulling her into the bed with him, begging for his touch. Now the bed was cold, a mocking reminder of what he once had, a reminder of what was taken from him.

He walked over to the dresser, putting clothes into their proper spots. He then looked around the room. There were several sets of strewn clothes, errantly tossed into corners and forgotten. He crouched down to reach several items that had been pushed into odd places. But that may have happened because of his biotics, now that he thought about it. But the jeans he grabbed from the top of the tall dresser weren’t his. He remembered them well because Shepard looked so damn sexy in them. As he brought the jeans down, he heard a soft ‘thunk’. Confused, he lifted himself until he could see what had made the noise. Reaching out, he grabbed what looked like an amulet.

While he was curious to know what it was, he decided to fold the clothes before he lost his train of thought. So he quickly folded everything that was his, placing it in the proper drawers. He placed the few things Shepard had left in a pile at the foot of the bed. Contented that he had done what he set out to do, he allowed himself to get absorbed in Shepard’s amulet.

It was a medallion, with a raised dragonfly hovering over several multi-colored jewels. It was almost unassuming in its beauty. He sat down on the bed, letting the light catch on the jewels. He knew they were probably fake, but she was a bit of a magpie, enjoying shiny things. And she _definitely_ would have loved the tinted reflections the jewels cast on the walls. It was a bit like her, now that he thought about it, turning everything around her into something far more colorful and beautiful than it could on its own.

Helen was obviously distracted to leave something that was obviously important here. And so was he. They both were hurting. They were both upset. On a hunch, he quickly pulled out his omni-tool, calling Chakwas.

“Hey doc, can I have a minute of your time?”

“Of course, Kaidan. Is something wrong?”

“No. I just had a question.”

“Alright. What do you need to know?” She spoke after she stepped away.

“How did Shepard take the news? When you told her?”

“She was obviously still in shock over everything. I told her the basics, but not much else. She mostly waved me off. Didn’t she speak with you?” Kaidan’s jaw all but fell to the ground. _Of course she wouldn’t. She’s internalizing everything, and she’ll put more blame on herself than is necessary._

“No. I need to speak with her. Thank you.” He made sure that Chakwas had nodded before he hung up. His head was reeling. _How much_ does _she know? If she doesn’t know about the genetics and why that’s so important, then she would just chalk it all up to herself._ He could only imagine how much pain that would put her in. She took Ash’s death as a personal failure, and he knew that she bore a heavy cross when it came to the ships that were destroyed protecting the _Destiny Ascension_.

Helen had been so willing to help her crew. She had helped Wrex and Tali by bringing them something special. Garrus and Liara had faced their inner demons with her. She had helped him realize that he wasn’t a monster and showed Ashley that the Williams record didn’t mean something to everyone, giving her the confidence to excel. And now Helen needed his help. So come hell or high water, he would help her.

Kaidan shook his head, feeling a sense of direction that he lacked over the past two days. Shepard may have walked out on him, but he wasn’t going to give up. Not without getting a better answer out of her.

He pulled up Garrus on his omni-tool. _If she stayed in contact with anyone, it was that Turian._ He was relieved when Garrus answered.

“Hey, Kaidan. I was beginning to wonder if we were going to ever see you again.” Kaidan nodded curtly. As much as he would love to chat with Garrus, he didn’t have the luxury.

“Things have been busy. You haven’t seen Shepard have you?” Garrus nodded, looking at him.

“Sure. She’s been crashing here. You wouldn’t happen to know why she showed up on my doorstep, looking like-” he paused. “How do you humans say? ‘Like a kicked bird’?”

“It’s a dog, but I get what you’re saying. Is she there right now?” Garrus gained a puzzled look as he responded.

“Well, she isn’t here right now, but she should be soon. If you need to get in contact with her, you should be able to message her –” Kaidan cut him off, grabbing a jacket.

“Can you send me coordinates to your place? I just need to see her. But don’t mention this to her.” Garrus gave him a look that Kaidan knew: he couldn’t leave a statement like that in the air without justification. “We had a disagreement, and she’s been avoiding me ever since.” Garrus gave him a good hard stare before his mandibles flapped.

“Alright. But this had better be good.” Kaidan nodded before he cut the vid, putting the coordinates into the hovercar he had rented.

 

Roughly half an hour later, he had pulled up outside Garrus’ place. It was modest, but liveable. He knocked and was greeted with a ‘come in’ only to find Helen on the couch while Garrus was in the kitchen.

“I was hoping I could talk to you.” He purposefully kept his voice quiet, calm. He didn’t want her to run.

“I think that everything has already been said, Lieutenant Alenko.” Shepard stood up from the couch and quickly padded across to a room, sharply closing the door behind her. An angry red lock greeted him.

“Helen, I’m not leaving until you talk to me.” His frustration was starting to rise.

“You have to go home eventually.” She snapped back across the door. _Alright then,_ he decided, pulling out his omni-tool. He then began to fiddle with the lock, and they engaged in a bit of a tech fight. They had done this several times before and were almost perfectly matched. _If I do this, we’ll just sit here and go on for hours._ He quickly closed the interface, sighing.

“If none of this meant anything to you, like you claim, why are you so unwilling to talk about it?” She didn’t say anything for a while, which he took as a good sign. _She cares, work that angle, Alenko._

“I think we’re done with this conversation, Alenko. Unless you want to be charged with insubordination for challenging your commanding officer.” All of his carefully arranged control snapped.

“Really, Helen? You’re going to retreat behind your title? Do you have nothing else to use? Or are you just that uncaring?” He waited for a minute, but heard no response. “Come on Helen, you and I both know you aren’t a machine. Every soul on the _Normandy_ does.” He waited another minute, but still couldn’t get an answer out of her. Fed up, he began to pound his fist against the door. “Answer me, Helen.” After a minute or two of pounding, he stopped, his hand stinging. “Please, Helen,” he quietly pleaded. After a few moments, he heard a soft sob. He quickly opened up his omni-tool, seizing what time he could. He quickly worked around her reinforcements and the door slid open.

Inside, Helen sat on the floor, facing the door, tears streaming down her face. All the fight left Kaidan as he rushed to her side. He tilted her head up, looking into her eyes. Commander Shepard did not look back at him. Helen Shepard, the wonderful, confident, beautiful woman he knew from late-night chats in the mess hall wasn’t there either. Instead, there was a broken woman who needed him more than words could ever say, and he took her into his arms. The sobs now redoubled as she mourned, and tears coursed down his face as he mourned with her. She beat her hands against his back, and he stroked her hair.

“I hate me.” She whispered a few minutes later.

“Why?”

“It’s all my fault.” He pulled away from her so that she could look into his eyes.

“It is not your fault. It’s not my fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault.” He saw her consider his words, which he took as a good sign.

“But what if it is? What if it was something I did? What if the Beacon made it so that I can’t –” she trailed off, looking over his shoulder at something he couldn’t see. He quickly shook his head, pulling her chin to look at him again.

“It isn’t. It wasn’t. And while I doubt anyone could tell you, I don’t think so.” She looked into his eyes, a mixture of fear and hope as he brushed another tear away. “This sort of thing has happened over the centuries. There isn’t any way to predict whether it will happen, but sometimes it does. You aren’t the first, and you won’t be the last. And it may have been me. It may not have been you.”

“What was it, exactly?” She looked at him, needing to know.

“We all have 26 chromosomes, 13 from each parent. Well, sometimes they don’t separate correctly, and instead of each egg or sperm having 13, one will have 14 or 12. If it’s a specific chromosome, the baby will still live. But if it’s missing one, it almost never lives. The body can recognize that, and so it just, lets the baby go. That’s what happened. It could have just as easily been a problem with me.” He felt her relax in his arms, processing the information. She finally nodded.

“So it wasn’t stress?” He shook his head. She closed her eyes and leaned into him. “I didn’t want to know at first. I was scared that you would say I killed it. That something I had done had killed it.” He wrapped his arms tightly around her. “I’m so sorry for pushing you away. I’m so sorry.” She hesitated for a few moments before asking, “What exactly happened? I mean, how does it happen? They don’t tell you about this sort of stuff in basic.”

“I could explain the medical mumbo jumbo, but I don’t think you’d be interested in that conversation,” he downplayed.

“Well, I would just focus on your voice and let your voice croon me to sleep.” She nestled further into his chest.

“Oh, so it’s a lullaby you want?” He asked, raising his eyebrows. She nodded against his chest. “Very well.” He cleared his throat and thought of something that would make her laugh.

 

“The Citadel view

Can’t hold a candle to you.

So laugh it up,

And two more words for you, Shepard: fucking sleep.

 

Everything will be fine.

Udina will die.

I’ll tell you whatever you want,

If you just fucking go to sleep.

 

Saren and Sovereign don’t move in their graves;

We’ve all been quiet brave.

Even the _Normandy_ slumbers,

So go the fuck to sleep.

 

I’ve had the pleasure

Of serving under you.

But all good soldiers

Must go the fuck to sleep.”

 

By the end, she was giggling, attempting to restrain her mirth. He finally joined her in laughing, and more tears streamed down their face. In the end, they calmed down and he helped her stand up.

“Now, will you come back with me?” Kaidan asked again.

“Oh, but Vakarian and I were having a fun sleepover,” Shepard pouted. “I was going to paint his talons and he was going to paint my face.” Kaidan chuckled at this, his mind picturing the two serious warriors set about painting the other.

“Hmm. You might make a better Turian than me, Shepard.” Garrus’ voice brought them both back to reality. “Now, are you two done almost killing each other? Can I leave the room now without fear of it being destroyed?” _Well, so much for the hope that we had privacy._

“We’ll get out of your way, Garrus. Thank you for letting me crash here.” Shepard spoke as she went around the room, grabbing a few items she had left outside of her bag. Garrus nodded.

“And don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.” Kaidan and Helen relaxed when Garrus spoke, patting them on the back as they walked out the door. They quickly slipped into the hovercar and headed back to Kaidan’s place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay!! I finally put some happy in this! Headcannon says that Garrus knew all along that something was up, but out of respect, never pressed Shepard for an answer. And as much as he may like having a sleepover, it’s good to know that Shepard is getting out of his fringe and going back where she belongs.


	5. The Balloon

That morning, Kaidan rolled over, and was greeted with cold sheets. He quickly woke up. _Was yesterday a dream? Is she still gone? I could have sworn she was here._ He mentally shook himself. _It was real. It happened. But why isn’t she here? Is she hurt again?_ He climbed out of bed, stumbling to the bathroom. But Helen wasn’t there. His heart began to race as he pulled a shirt on and left the bedroom. He could still remember how they fell asleep: wrapped around each other, neither willing to sleep alone. He looked in each of the rooms but couldn’t find her. He finally ran out to the porch, shouting her name, trying to keep his panic to a minimum. _What if she’s hurt? What if someone took her? What if I never got her back?_ But a low groan answered his call.

He turned to the source and saw Shepard lying on the couch. He ran to her and wrapped his arms around her, trying to calm his racing heart, as she gave another sleepy groan.

“What’s wrong?” She asked in a husky voice.

“I thought you were gone or hurt. I couldn’t find you, and I didn’t know where you went. You scared me,” he whispered the last line, and she turned in his arms to hug him, reassure him.

“I’m fine. I just couldn’t sleep in that bed,” she admitted.

“Why didn’t you wake me and tell me then?”

“I didn’t have the heart to. You’re so peaceful when you sleep.” She looked at him with affection and brushed a lock of hair from his eyes.

“Wake me. I promise you won’t bother me. I’d rather you wake me in the middle of the night than wake up in an empty bed.” She nodded her agreement and put her head on his shoulder. “But will you come to bed? The sun is only rising, and I’d like for you to lay down with me for a little while.” She sighed and allowed him to carry her to bed. They didn’t talk, and she fell asleep inside an hour. He waited until she was fast asleep before he pulled her a little closer and joined her.

 

Two days later, Kaidan suggested they have a picnic. He knew of a park, and made sure that it would be empty. Then he gathered up everything they would need for a picnic and added one more thing when she wasn’t looking. Things between them had been friendly, though they hadn’t been intimate since everything had happened. Neither wanted to take that step at the time. They were both still hurting.

Lunch passed easily enough. They enjoyed a quiet meal in the open and relaxed. It was good to see Shepard serene and composed, as though nothing had happened. But he also knew that she hadn’t been dealing with their loss. And they would have to eventually. Their line of work would tear them apart if they didn’t learn to move on before the end of shore leave. So Kaidan quietly went back to their hovercar and grabbed the last item before gently rousing Shepard. She lazily opened one eye, then got up, staring at him curiously as he held out the item in question.

“What are you doing with a balloon?”

“It’s a symbol for the baby we lost. When we let it go, we both acknowledge it and our pain, and we release them.”

“It’s a balloon. Not a baby.” She started to shy away from him, but clutched to the balloon. “And I doubt your thoughts on the subject are the same as mine.” She spoke quietly.

“How so? Try me; you might be surprised,” Kaidan encouraged, though he stood in the same place, decided not to chase her down.

“You weren’t the one who was going to carry it. I should have thought about birth control before Ilos. But with Ash and the Council and Saren and Sovereign, I made a stupid mistake. I took on a life I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle properly. Not like a mom should.”

“And that takes the blame from me? I’m normally the calm and collected one in this duo. And I had every opportunity to ask you about protection. It fell to both of us. So it isn’t a failing of just one of us. We were both responsible.” He stepped forward as he spoke, stroking the side of the balloon with his thumb. “More so, I’m the medic. I should have realized the symptoms when you didn’t. I’m the responsible one, so I should have been responsible.” He reached out, taking the strand in his hand. “Instead I became my father, indifferent to my child’s well-being. I became a worse kind of monster than the one who kills with anger. I killed with carelessness.” Helen finally turned and looked at Kaidan, realizing that he meant what he said.

“No.” Her voice was firm in conviction. “You weren’t. You were so comforting every morning when I was sick. You took care of me, and in that way, you were caring for the baby. You loved it as you loved me. You indulged me in my crazy cravings and restless nights. You were not a monster.” She moved one hand from the balloon’s string to his face, and he felt his doubts begin to ease. “Should we say something before we let – the balloon go?” He caught her hesitation, but didn’t press it.

“If you want to, we can,” he softly responded. She shrugged.

“I don’t have anything to say. Let’s just get it over with.” She nodded smartly, agreeing with herself. “Do you have anything to say?” He nodded, and she looked to him, waiting for him to speak.

“I’m sorry that we never got to know you. I would have loved to know you. I would have loved to see whose eyes you had and whether you were calm like me or passionate like your mother. And even thought I never saw you, I will miss you. But I will never forget you.” He turned from the balloon to her again, letting her know he had finished. She then turned and took a deep breath. A minute passed, and she was still holding the balloon.

“This is stupid. All I have to do is let go.” She was staring at the balloon, attempting to will it away if he had to guess.

“We all let go in our own time.” He placed a hand on her shoulder, hoping it was a comforting gesture for her.

“I would have been like my mother,” she confessed.

“How?” He asked.

“I never knew her. I don’t have any memories of her. I just ran from place to place, hungry, cold, and afraid. She just left me one day. After running to so many different holes and having to rely on myself and getting used by so many, I made a promise to myself. I would never take advantage of another soul. And I took advantage of the one soul I should have protected above all else.” He wrapped an arm around her, bringing her close to him. He felt her shudder against him, and her grip on the string left her knuckles white.

“No.” It was his turn to set her straight. “You did protect that baby. You were pregnant when we went after Sovereign. And you went after it with such ferocity. You convinced Saren that you were correct. You helped to show him that there was a way to atone for what he did. You always thought about future consequences when you did anything. You saved the _Destiny Ascension_ and her crew. You helped repair the Citadel and helped forge positive relations on behalf of humanity. You made this place much better for our child, for every child. You never took advantage of anyone.” He could see tears in her eyes, and knew she was truly listening to him and accepting what he said.

“I would’ve faced ten Reapers if meant keeping that baby safe. Sovereign would be quaking in his tentacles if he ever looked at it wrong.” Kaidan smiled softly, his face pressed against her hair.

“And I would have moved Heaven and Earth to keep both of you safe.” She nuzzled into his chest. “I would have done everything in my power and then some to keep you two safe while you were pregnant.”

“You would’ve spoiled that baby rotten.” She teased.

“Not unless it went to you first.” He sassed back.

“True.” She conceded. They held each other for a while.

“You ready now?” He finally asked.

“Yeah, I think I am.” And they both let go, holding onto each other as they watched it float up into the sky. They would never forget what happened, but they would move on together, live together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The main inspiration for this scene is from the TV show Desperate Housewives Season 2 Episode 8 “The Sun Won’t Set”. I do not own any of that.

**Author's Note:**

> GAH!! Why did I do that?! I love Shenko! WHY?!?!? But I had to. I got that mental picture in my head and just had to write it down. When I actually wrote the scene where Helen loses her baby, my mind had two pictures that made the combined effect: the horse-head scene from The Godfather and the scene based on “A Book of Blood” in Pan’s Labyrinth. Needless to say, it was very creepy. And really freaked me out.  
> I originally had Kaidan maintaining his calm until Chapter 2 and let Shepard speculate on his internal turmoil, but I realized that seeing Kaidan’s grief gave room for some character development, so I inserted the entire part where Kaidan broods until Chakwas gets there.


End file.
